Buckhead Chilren’s Counseling

Exercise 2: Listed below are 12 agreements that you may find useful in growing your relationship with your significant other. These agreements are modeled after the 12 Traditions found in Twelve-Step groups. Answer the questions as best you can and be prepared to discuss at your next session.

1. Our common welfare comes first; our personal well-being benefits from the unity of our relationship as a couple.

A. Do I act in a healing, mending, and integrating way in my relationship or am I divisive. For example, is my focus on how my mate should change rather than keeping the focus on my growth?

B. How often do I check my motive when I am engaged in an argument with my partner?

C. Am I gentle with my partner when rubbed the wrong way? Or am I abrasive?

D. How competitive am I with my partner?

E. How often do I see my behavior as superior to my partners?

F. List the ways that I practice consideration for my partner?

G. Do I spout platitudes about love? How do I back those platitudes with actions?

H. Which of my individual behaviors would demonstrate that I seek ways that may contribute towards the growth of the relationship?

I. How well do I accept help as well as offer help?

2. For the purpose of our relationship there is one ultimate authority…a loving Power defined by each individual.

A. Do I criticize or do I trust and support the actions of my partner? In other words, do I trust that his/her belief in a loving authority guides as well as my spiritual beliefs guide me?

B. Am I seeking credit for the ideas I bring to our relationship?

C. How flexible are my desires/opinions?

D. How fairly are the unpleasant chores in our home divided up? (Since people have differences as to what may be unpleasant, each of you may want to make a list of the chores you find unpleasant.)

E. How often do I sound like an expert on matters in which I have no experience or little knowledge? “There is a Higher Power and I am not it.”

3. The only requirement of our relationship is a willing desire to see its success.

A. How often do I see myself or my partner as a loser?

B. How often do I see myself as superior to my partner?

C. How often do I act as a judge for my partner’s motives?

D. Do I let language or lack of it, race, education, age, gender, or other things interfere with seeing success happen?

E. Do I see myself or my partner as more important or can I let us both be human?

F. When my partner needs help, how graciously do I offer my assistance? How quick do I bring up past mistakes?

4. Each person should practice autonomy except in matters affecting the relationship.

A. Do I insist that my way is the right way?

B. How willing am I to learn new ways of doing things?

C. Do I realize that my personal behavior to some extent represents the couple?

D. How willing would I be to go to any length to help my partner with growth.

E. How well do I share my growth?

5. Our relationship has a primary purpose

A. What are my thought about our purpose as a couple?

B. How well do I understand my boundaries and my partners boundaries?)

C. How do I contribute to the primary purpose we have chosen for our relationship?

D. How do I help my partner when he/she may suffer?

6. We keep our focus on us as a couple and do not allow problems of money, property, in-laws, children, sex, and status divert us from that purpose.

A. What would it mean to us as a couple if we accept outside financial help?

B. How will accepting favors from others affect our relationship?

C. What financial plans do we have set in place. How do we handle monthly expenses? What plan do we have set in place for emergencies and long-range. How do we decide on time contributed to volunteer projects?

7. As a couple it is our desire to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

A. How equally do we share the expenses?

B. How clearly do we talk about finances?

C. Is it ok for us to accept financial help from parents or others? What are the benefits and liabilities in accepting outside help?

D. Is it ok for one person to bring in the money?

E. How will we communicate to each other about financial responsibilities?

F. How important is the feeling of self-respect to me. Does charity come with obligations and how would these obligations affect my relationship with a significant other?

8. As a couple we stand united and we are willing to seek outside help when necessary.

A. Do I seek medical/dental help when necessary.

B. Am I aware of how a negative attitude affects the relationship? Would I be willing to seek mental health care if needed?

C. Do I look for special recognition in my efforts in the relationship? Would I be willing to seek spiritual help if needed?

D. Do I play doctor, clergy, or psychologist with my partner?

9. Our partnership is flexible and we stress responsibility to each other.

A. How often do I try to be the boss or teacher?

B. How often am I defended against what I perceive as authority?

C. How much maturity do I bring to the relationship?

D. Do I exercise patience and humility (being teachable) in this relationship?

E. What are my responsibilities to my partner?

F. Do each of us need separate rules?

G. How well do we share responsibilities in our home?

H. Do I act the role of martyr doing the same job, not asking for help or turning down offers of help?

10. How do outside issues affect us as a couple?

A. Do I give the impression that my partner and I have a common opinion or do I claim only my individual experiences.

B. What are the pros/cons of each partner having and expressing their individual opinions?

11. As a couple we seek attraction over promotion.

A. Do I promote any idea such as diet, exercise, religion with fanaticism?

B. How often do we compete with each other? How well do we keep confidences? For example, might I not keep a confidence of my partner in order to gain a one-up position?

C. How often do I feel shame over my partner’s behavior or my own? What correction do I have in place for this experience?

D. Does my partner find my behavior inspiring or embarrassing?

12. Our common welfare is the spirit and foundation of our partnership. We are willing to place the above agreements before our personalities.

A. How could my arrogance affect us as a couple?

B. How well do I trust my partner? Would I use my authority to straighten her/him out?

C. Do my opinions of my partner reflect respect and commitment?

D. Do I try to get my partner to conform to my standards?

E. What is my personal responsibility towards the success of our partnership?

F. How willing am I to contribute to the fiancés of our partnership? Do I act needy or dependant with finances? Do I engage in control because I bring in most of the income?

G. Do I complain about my partner? What made me an authority?

H. At the day’s end, how well can I say I have fulfilled my responsibilities towards the partnership?

I. Is our partnership attractive enough that others seek to model us?

J. How important is “me” to the partnership? Am I fearful of asking for what I need? Or do I go the other direction and not consider my partner’s need? Do I choose to be kind or to be right most of the time?