12 Steps to Recovered Relationships
By the time many couples come to see me, communications have often already broken down. So the first item on the agenda is to teach good communication skills.
The Non-violent Communication (NVC) process approach helps to create the skills necessary to successful communication in a relationship.
The first step of this approach teaches the couple to learn how to make observations –actively listening and communicating without blaming, judgments, or criticism… This lets the other person know that they have been heard.
For example, after a husband hears his wife voice a concern about their child, he might tell his wife that she is overreacting again. Instead, to make sure that he is hearing what she is trying to say, I would coach him to say back the words she said such as, “I heard you say that you are very worried about our child.”
Once an observation about the communication has been stated, the second step is to make an attempt to identify your own feeling state.
Staying with the above example, the husband might identify that he feels anxious when his wife brings up the subject of their child.
Now the third task is connect the feeling to a personal need. All feelings are connected to a need. If you feel hungry, you need to eat, if you are scared, you need protection, and so on.
Let’s say in this case, the husband just walked in the door after a tough day at work and might need to relax. He does not want to talk about their daughter.
The fourth step is then for him to make a very clear request to his wife about his needs.Here is where all the dots get connected. He could start with what he heard her say, leaving off any judgment or blame. Then he can connect how he felt with what he needs, and then make the request. So where previously he may have said, “You’re overreacting and it’s making me stressed out. Just let me relax…”
Now, it might sound like this: “Sweetie, I just heard you say how worried you are about our daughter. Right now I feel anxious and need to relax. Would you be willing to table this conversation until after dinner?
The key here is to make a request rather than a demand.
How do you know if you are making a request rather than a demand? A request is just that. You have an expectation that all people at heart are compassionate and want to help others. Your desire is to have the other person respond from that place of love rather than because they are afraid of you and comply out of their need for safety.
This communication process is highly effective and becomes critical to being in a successful relationship of any kind. I have even used this approach with my grandson:
He had reached for a lit candle and was walking around with it. I took a deep breath, and observed to Anthony that I saw him walking with the lit candle. Next, I told him that I felt afraid because I had a need for him to not get hurt. My request was, “Would you be willing to put the candle back on the table?” He gave me a big charming grin and said, “Sure Mimi.” Had he not complied with my request, I would have stated it again.
For more information, you may want to check out Marshall Rosenburg’s work regarding Non-Violent Communication.
Once couples learn to communicate, then the door is open to helping them find the healing they seek in coming to a counselor.
At that point, I introduce them to the “12 Agreements” approach – a style which works for many individuals and couples, and is modeled after the 12 Step Program. You can explore the suggestions and exercises on the following pages to see how this approach can help you and your beloved.
Click on the following to begin exploring the suggestions and exercises:
Exercise 1… Your own personal growth
Exercise 2… Growing your relationship with your partner
Exercise 3… Behaviors and attitudes that show emotional maturity